Today I went to see a counsellor. I didn't want to take my daughter with me as she had to walk longer. She is already suffering because of her father's illness, I rush her at stations take her to distant places where she gets bored. Those places are obviously not for her, but there is no one to look after her, I took her with me with a heavy heart and yes she had to walk long. I failed the driving test once again, 5 times in a row. I get too nervous to the extent that I just do see things coming and decide at whim. I failed immediately after I started driving. Spent $250 for nothing. I am tired of these things, too tired. Day before yesterday my daughter's school had organised an event. When returning we were the only one who had to come on public transport, I wished I would get the licence the next day but as always my wishes and hopes shattered. I have another test on 28th of September and I am not so sure about it. I thought this time I will get the licence but things just get out of hand and causes more stress and more anxiety.
I had an appointment with my GP today, I reluctantly went to her, hoping she will write prescription for clonazepam but she didn't. She has asked me to come out of clonazepam as quickly as possible and has prescribed diazepam to taper off clonazepam. She has also doubled my effexor dosage, now I will be taking 150mg of effexor.
But still I don't think I will be able to come off clonazepam very easily, so I have no option other than returning to my previous psychiatrist and in the mean time try to taper it off. I will have my parents bring some when they are here, so that I do not have to see the psychiatrist again. I think I will continue counselling though.
My counsellor has suggested me to see another GP which she says has a good reputation from her client. But that again means lot of travelling and again lot of stress. I had my GP write a referral to another psychiatrist who practiced closer to my office. I don't know if I would see him.
I was very sad today. I talked with my parents and my brother. My parents as usual tried to boost my morale and not to loose hope, my brother suggested I should not let my confidence go down. I do not have confidence left, it is worries, pain and hopelessness that I carry.
I talked with Archana at length last evening, I told her about Andrew Soloman's talk in TED talk and how every word he said seemed so relevant to me. I told her how he said he had managed to live with depression with the help of his psychiatrist and therapist. I told her if I could get a good psychiatrist and probably a good therapist, I might learn to live with it as well.
I have told myself that I have to live with depression for the rest of my life and requested myself (and sometimes determined when I am in slightly better mood) to accept this fact and carry on. Most of the time I feel very bad and still feel suicidal. However this time the thoughts of suicide has not been as overwhelming as earlier and probably that's good. Its only not overwhelming but it is still there, I have to convince myself really hard that the life is worth living if not for myself then for my daughter and my wife, my parents and my brother.
The physical symptoms of depression and anxiety are becoming little too difficult to handle. My palms burns and it is often unbearable that I have to wash my hand with cold water or place ice in it. Lately my foot has also started to burn, the psychiatrist I saw Wednesday said it was anxiety, my counsellor today said there might be some other reason and I should see a specialist as she doubted it might be related to the nervous system. That added more to my worries. I am already living with pancreatitis, depression and now nerve related issues. I think that can be dealt with Yoga.
On our way to home, I wanted to close my eyes and try to take a nap in train but my little daughter kept asking me her innocent question like "why we have middle-of-the-night", who sees them, what happens in the middle of the night etc. She was leaning against me despite there was enough space for her to be on her own, she seeks support. When walking she keeps holding my hand, I keep telling her she is a grown up girl and she need not hold my hand yet she does not listen.
I have been off work for 5 consecutive days and I am worried about Monday.
I slept till 8:00AM in the morning. I had slept almost 12 hours. I tried to do some meditation and strangely I managed to get some peace today though it was very short lived.
Tomorrow Nepalese women keep a fast for the longitivtiy of their husband's life and today they feast. Their parents, brothers and husband are supposed to manage for the feast. I didn't want Archana to keep that fast as it looks mundane to me and I feel why should she go through hunger for a loser like me but she is adamant. While most of the women will enjoy, dance, music and delicious cuisine my Archana had nothing to rejoice. So I went to an Indian's store bought some sweets and paneer (fresh cheese). I will be cooking the paneer for her. I watched a video on youtube and have made everything ready. I will cook it just before she is back home. That is the least this poor, depressed husband can do for a caring and loving wife.
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