14th September 2016, Wednesday

I went to sleep at 8:30 PM yesterday and quickly fell asleep. When I looked at the watch it was 2:53 AM and I was fully awake so a day with headache was in the making. Yesterday I had bad headache especially as the day progressed. I was waken up by Archana, she said I had missed the alarm and it was already quarter to five. I wondered how could I miss the alarm as I thought I was awake make be I was talking too much in my head.

In three days Santosh (my brother) will be here, I am little happy. A little colour will be added to Archana's and Nani's otherwise colourless life. When Archana learnt Santosh was coming she was very happy, happier than when her parents were coming. She thinks Santosh will bring happiness in my life and I will feel better. It only pains me to think that all her happiness are tied to me as if they begin or end with me.  Nani won't have to stay home in holidays, see can visit places with her Sano-baba (uncle). She has already conveyed her wishlist to my father on phone. Her wishes are simple and innocent. I think her wishes would have been different if I was different, if I could be part of her happiness. I didn't speak to her yesterday and every bit in me pains when I think that I didn't speak to her, I didn't ask her how her day was. They had sent her school photos, she looked so beautiful. That simple innocent smile got carved inside me, I wonder if she inherit those smile from me as she inherits so many things from me. The fact that she inherits so many things from me worries me. 

When I left home this morning, I held Nani's school photos for more than a minute and felt sad. I had seen some strands of hair falling on her face when I turned the light on this morning. She looks like a star a glowing star. The words are incapable to express my love for her. I hate myself for not talking to her, for not playing with her. It is not because I can't but because I won't. I want to be independent of her father's existence which itself is doubtful.

I arrived in office in a rather good mood. I am waiting for Saturday to come soon, very soon and the October to never come as my brother will return. It won't happen but I can't help myself from wishing.