I woke up early today so I have brought
headache to office. I am still on 0.125mg of clonazepam. So my brother is
coming this weekend. I was thinking how our paths have separated. Born to the same parents and with just 18
months difference in age we grew up like twins. We looked similar but today we live
completely different life. He lives happy life whereas I live in miseries. The
major worry that he has is about me otherwise he is content with his life. He
takes good care of his wife and daughter. I on the other hand live a troubled
living. I cannot and have not given any happiness to my family. I have made my
wife's life miserable and life of rest of my family troublesome. Unfortunately because I am faulty my innocent
child will have to suffer as well. When I tend to make comparison between my
daughter and my niece (my brother's daughter), I can easily see the happiness
around my niece in terms of parents. I could be wrong, I could be faulty but my
child is pure, she is innocent, she has caused no harm to anyone but she might
suffer because her father was a weak individual.
When in Nepal it still seemed that our (me
and my brother) lives intertwined but after coming here to Australia our life
have taken completely different route. I grew up as a good influence to my
brother, my cousins and my other friends and relatives but now I am a bad
influence, a case of failure.
I was almost happy when I was doing the
Yoga, happy for the fact that my brother will be here. God knows how much I
missed him, missed him more than anybody else. The feeling of happiness brought
terror though. I was afraid to be happy because in couple of hours or minutes I
will drown deep into depression, hopelessness and negativity. My happiness was
gone, I had headache and still I was feeling low.
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