Depression does not come alone!!!!
As I struggle with depression I also struggle with upset tummy, weakness, dizziness, tingling of hands and legs, numbness, foggy head or light head, sleeping hands, tinnitus among others. On year 2010 I added another woo to my life, the pancreatitis which will trouble me twice every year and from that year on depression will be my only-death-separate-apart company. In programming we call never ending loop and a circular reference. Pancreatitis and depression have circular reference in my life. Pancreatitis makes me depressed and when I get depressed I get Pancreatitis. What does that mean? Well!!! that means there is always one or the other to live with.
As I struggled with depression here in Australia and started seeing the "Australian" psychiatrist he suggested the other physical problems like tingling hands, burning palms, feeling of chill might not be depression and he infact authoritatively said its not depression and asked me to see a physician. There was this Chinese physician we didn't know where is Nepal despite the country lying at its border, yeah but China is a big country and what is there in remembering who your neighbour are? I didn't have a good impression of her but there was no option. On an usual sad day I dragged myself to the physician and surprisingly I found her good this time, probably again the state of mind. She asked me to do a blood test which I abided. Then few days later I was recognised with Vitamin B12 deficiency. She said the burning sensation in palms and feet and tingling were all related to deficient Vitamin B12. She suggested because I was vegetarian I was not getting enough vitamin B12 and asked me to get injection every week for fist month and once fortnightly later. Who disobeys the doctor? I bought the injection and scheduled myself to be pricked the next day. After the frequent visit of pancreatitis my body has developed a kind of likening for needles. I must have had more than 500 needles inserted into my skin in just last three years.
I rushed home and see what does this Vitamin B12 really mean. To my surprise a person with Vitamin B12 deficiency is most likely to have all the symptoms that I had including depression. Ah!! may be my depression was because of Vitamin B12 deficiency, there came a hope. If for some reason I could alleviate my Vitamin B12 I might get rid of depression but how could I have such deficiency. I was told because I was a vegetarian. But I ate fish regularly and I also ate egg (atleast once a week). Doctor Google suggested that the frequent pancreatitis could have exhausted my vitamin B12. Then there was one unique pattern in my depression and stomach. I often fall back into depression when my stomach is upset. This week my tummy has been really weak. I have to go to toilet atleast 5-6 times a day and still it feels I need to go again. OK I might have IBS too and that could have exhausted my Vitamin B12.
For almost two weeks I was close to normal and that is when I neglected the Vitamin B12 shots and this week followed.
I saw correlation between depression and Vitamin B12, so seeing a light at the end of tunnel I bought a bottle of Vitamin B12 supplements which I have started from yesterday. This might be just another futile attempt but like every other time I want to try unless the suicidal urge makes me do otherwise.
Friday 15 April 2016
Another day
When I went to bed, I was in a rather positive state of mind, I was totally engrossed in what I was doing, however as I woke up, I was in sore mood. I wasn't suicidal but I felt empty from inside and I felt depressed. I took a long time to decide whether I should get out of bed or remain there. I took time to decide if I should take bath or not, eventually I took bath. I sat for a long time trying to meditate, reciting the religious mantras. Every thing has become similar to the medicine, they do not make any effect and yet I continue them thinking things will be worse if I stopped doing them. Same holds for life, if I stopped living things will be worse and its worse that I am trying to avoid. The situation was no different.
A little later I found myself in a positive state again, in a given day my mood swings more than 100 times but if duration is to be decisive I am 98 percent depressed. She asked me to accompany her to Coles and I rejected but later as the state changed to positive I found myself at Coles picking groceries.
Soon at home I threw myself to computer do some programming and see if that helps. I thought the recovery had began. I had the driving lesson which I didn't want and yet I went. I didn't do any better, the instructor was often pissed off as I seem to have forgotten what he had precisely told me to do and moreover what he had told me not to do. I took a pity on myself and just maintained a helpless smile as he was losing his temper.
I came home aghast, hopeless and teary. I wasn't feeling exactly suicidal but there were worries of death. My angel was waiting for me to return and she had told her mum that she will have her meal with dad. I wondered if I will always return when she waited for me. For some reason she doesn't like to play inside, the small verandah is her play area. I don't want any fateful news to come to her when she is playing her dolls in that verandah. She whined a lot in the morning and I was feeling irritated but didn't utter a single word because I had right to get irritated if only I had gone to comfort her and she had disobeyed.
Even yesterday she slept by my side, with her head on my lap. I love the baby smell of her hair, the scent of her skin. She looked so calm and prettier in her sleep. She knew nothing will happen to her as she was sleeping by the side of her baba. Her baba however is not a stable man, he can do anything, her immature mind does not understand depression but she knows her baba has some illness that makes him go dumb, that makes him indifferent to everything. She often tries to break my silence as I struggle with my depression in melancholy. She makes faces at me, she yells "Baba" at me, she laughs but I sit like inanimate object, I am dead before I have died.
I looked at the watch as I worked on my computer last night, it was time for her(my wife) to return home, I hurried to shut down my computer and turn off the light because I didn't want to speak to her. Such a cruel rot I had become. She hasn't felt me for many weeks, she has no-one to talk to, she left everything for me and there I am ignoring her, not only that I am hatching a conspiracy to ruin whatever she has left.
A little later I found myself in a positive state again, in a given day my mood swings more than 100 times but if duration is to be decisive I am 98 percent depressed. She asked me to accompany her to Coles and I rejected but later as the state changed to positive I found myself at Coles picking groceries.
Soon at home I threw myself to computer do some programming and see if that helps. I thought the recovery had began. I had the driving lesson which I didn't want and yet I went. I didn't do any better, the instructor was often pissed off as I seem to have forgotten what he had precisely told me to do and moreover what he had told me not to do. I took a pity on myself and just maintained a helpless smile as he was losing his temper.
I came home aghast, hopeless and teary. I wasn't feeling exactly suicidal but there were worries of death. My angel was waiting for me to return and she had told her mum that she will have her meal with dad. I wondered if I will always return when she waited for me. For some reason she doesn't like to play inside, the small verandah is her play area. I don't want any fateful news to come to her when she is playing her dolls in that verandah. She whined a lot in the morning and I was feeling irritated but didn't utter a single word because I had right to get irritated if only I had gone to comfort her and she had disobeyed.
Even yesterday she slept by my side, with her head on my lap. I love the baby smell of her hair, the scent of her skin. She looked so calm and prettier in her sleep. She knew nothing will happen to her as she was sleeping by the side of her baba. Her baba however is not a stable man, he can do anything, her immature mind does not understand depression but she knows her baba has some illness that makes him go dumb, that makes him indifferent to everything. She often tries to break my silence as I struggle with my depression in melancholy. She makes faces at me, she yells "Baba" at me, she laughs but I sit like inanimate object, I am dead before I have died.
I looked at the watch as I worked on my computer last night, it was time for her(my wife) to return home, I hurried to shut down my computer and turn off the light because I didn't want to speak to her. Such a cruel rot I had become. She hasn't felt me for many weeks, she has no-one to talk to, she left everything for me and there I am ignoring her, not only that I am hatching a conspiracy to ruin whatever she has left.
Difficult week
This was a terrible week. I drifted between suicidal thoughts and to normal depressive mood frequently. When I woke up, I was tired and wanted to go back to bed. I feel cold even in sunny day, the chill runs all over my body and I feel as if I have fever, passing time is really difficult and specially among people who are usually joking, laughing and shouting. The world looks so dumb and cruel, what is there to laugh about? what is there to enjoy?
I feel strong urge to cry but cannot cry. Yesterday I wrote a farewell note to my wife and I wept as I wrote every single sentence. The head felt light but the sadness was too much. Yesterday at a point of time I thought I had to quit, I just wanted to finish a small work I was doing at office and then I will end it atleast I thought so. The feeling was so exciting that I lost the urge to end it, I wonder if I have started liking being sad in reality. After 1:00 PM there is no possibility, I have to live that day as my wife will be at office and my daughter will be stranded at school. I can't leave my daughter that way.
Today was more frustrating and depressing. I was feeling heavily suicidal. I wrote a nice clean and short note for the cops who will discover my body. I specified the phone number of my cousin and my brother in law and pleaded not to tell my wife first. But as I think of my daughter, my legs disagree to go to that path. I remember her innocent face, I remember the way she calls me "babillo". I think of various trouble she might have to face if a father is not around. I imagine of the harshness of the world to my princess and I crumble to my seat devastated. I am not sure how long she is going to hold me back.
I do not even think about my parents, their slightest thought brings tear to me. I feel of my wife, every day she cooks food for me trying things just to check if that might freshen up my mood. When she returns from work I am already asleep with my daughter in my arm. I never bother to ask how was her day, I never bother to ask if she is alright. I just become a selfish, indifferent person. I am her culprit, I have made her suffer and she doesn't worth it.
I do not earn enough and I worry without me how she is going to continue on with life.
Today is my beloved brother's birthday but I couldn't call him to wish him a birthday, I did manage to write a flat/distasteful email. One of the reasons I didn't want to end my life was the very reason that today was my brother's birthday. I don't want him to associate his birthday with something fateful but at around 11:00 in the morning that wouldn't hold me back.
At one point of time I decided to fight back and not to give up. A hint of positivity was shining and then I tore apart the suicide note that I had written. But later in the day I will drift back to sadness and almost in tears by lunchtime. I yet thanked god for saving my life today to see the face of my child, to hear her voice, to wait for my wife.
Its been 9 continuous months of depression, how am I going to live through it.
I feel strong urge to cry but cannot cry. Yesterday I wrote a farewell note to my wife and I wept as I wrote every single sentence. The head felt light but the sadness was too much. Yesterday at a point of time I thought I had to quit, I just wanted to finish a small work I was doing at office and then I will end it atleast I thought so. The feeling was so exciting that I lost the urge to end it, I wonder if I have started liking being sad in reality. After 1:00 PM there is no possibility, I have to live that day as my wife will be at office and my daughter will be stranded at school. I can't leave my daughter that way.
Today was more frustrating and depressing. I was feeling heavily suicidal. I wrote a nice clean and short note for the cops who will discover my body. I specified the phone number of my cousin and my brother in law and pleaded not to tell my wife first. But as I think of my daughter, my legs disagree to go to that path. I remember her innocent face, I remember the way she calls me "babillo". I think of various trouble she might have to face if a father is not around. I imagine of the harshness of the world to my princess and I crumble to my seat devastated. I am not sure how long she is going to hold me back.
I do not even think about my parents, their slightest thought brings tear to me. I feel of my wife, every day she cooks food for me trying things just to check if that might freshen up my mood. When she returns from work I am already asleep with my daughter in my arm. I never bother to ask how was her day, I never bother to ask if she is alright. I just become a selfish, indifferent person. I am her culprit, I have made her suffer and she doesn't worth it.
I do not earn enough and I worry without me how she is going to continue on with life.
Today is my beloved brother's birthday but I couldn't call him to wish him a birthday, I did manage to write a flat/distasteful email. One of the reasons I didn't want to end my life was the very reason that today was my brother's birthday. I don't want him to associate his birthday with something fateful but at around 11:00 in the morning that wouldn't hold me back.
At one point of time I decided to fight back and not to give up. A hint of positivity was shining and then I tore apart the suicide note that I had written. But later in the day I will drift back to sadness and almost in tears by lunchtime. I yet thanked god for saving my life today to see the face of my child, to hear her voice, to wait for my wife.
Its been 9 continuous months of depression, how am I going to live through it.
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