Today was OK, not as ok as yesterday yet a day I can live with. After lunch (1:00 PM) I felt that ominous fear. My palms started to burn, I could feel the burning in stomach. I was tearful. On my way back home, I went down the memory lanes of my early childhood to find a clue.
My early childhood was spent with my mom and my brother as my father was transferred to the far eastern district. As a elder son, I was always told that I had to take care of the family, of my parents. My father couldn't walk properly and probably my mom used to feel insecure about it. I could see her struggle with meagre income, two small sons to take care of and the husband away. Life was not easy for my young mother. My father was doing his best so that we could live happier. Then one early morning we woke up to the sound of our wailing mother. Her father had passed away, she was unconsolable. My mom cried and mourned for more days. Loss of parents are really painful and that entered deep into my shaping mind, they must be the most important people in anyone's life.
Later in one of the vacations, we were in Jhapa where my father was posted. While playing with some kids I fell and fractured a bone in my leg. My leg was in cast for one months and all I could do was to lie in bed. Back in those days and specially in third world countries like ours no-one got crutches perhaps that was a luxury people of poor country could not afford. We lived in the service quarters of my father. Often I was lonely in a poorly lit room. I have vague memories. I kept thinking about so many things, I often used to think that one day my parents will die. I used to worry what will I do then, I loved them so much. I used to cry by creating situations in my brain that had no links to reality, or anticipating situations that might not occur. The fear of losing parents, fear of losing loved ones rooted deep down into me. The fear will revisit me in my adulthood. I do not know if this is the reason of my depression but yes I was sadist by nature from the very young age.
When I am depressed, my main worries remain around my daughter. I keep worrying what will she do without a father, perhaps the fear of losing parents from my early childhood has something to do with this.
Friday 19 August 2016
Thursday 18 August 2016
A day of relief
I woke up feeling crappy. I slept as I tried to do some meditation (I have never been able to concentrate).
Though I started work feeling bad, the whole day remained good. I did have few bouts of sadness but not as bad as it used to be.
For a change I didn't close my eyes on train as I returned home today, I looked at the world outside the train as I completed my journey back home to see what I had missed all these days (almost a year now). I hadn't missed much. The world outside was not different than the world I had witnessed, the beauty is not outside but it is within and I do not have that beauty within. I only have battered memories, too much bruised and painful.
At home I was silent, no words exchanged.
I hope good days will be back again.
Though I started work feeling bad, the whole day remained good. I did have few bouts of sadness but not as bad as it used to be.
For a change I didn't close my eyes on train as I returned home today, I looked at the world outside the train as I completed my journey back home to see what I had missed all these days (almost a year now). I hadn't missed much. The world outside was not different than the world I had witnessed, the beauty is not outside but it is within and I do not have that beauty within. I only have battered memories, too much bruised and painful.
At home I was silent, no words exchanged.
I hope good days will be back again.
Wednesday 17 August 2016
Another day of mourning
I had trouble falling asleep yesterday, even after the medicine I could not sleep. I was frightened and anxious. Archana held me tight, I still struggled to sleep but I fell asleep later to be awaken early. I woke up to a numb mood, numb is far better than sad. On the train I didn't wish Flinders Street would never arrive. I developed some hope, there were people who had lived their life despite being depressed. The good mood gave me company till I reached office. I was sad again. I had no purpose in life. If there is anything that I want I want to be able to hold my job and remain alive. I have no desire to remain alive if I loose job. What can you do when your inner self cannot see you happy?
While returning from work yesterday I hated myself for not being able to end it, for returning home again.
Later in the day a had a little respite, I was numb and not sad. In the morning my hands trembled, my legs felt weak, I wanted to fall into the ground, collapse and never rise again. That didn't happen. I didn't feel teary most of the day.
I have traveled between the Flinders Street to Reservoir hundreds of time but never have I kept my eyes open all the way. I have mostly been unhappy in all those journeys, today during lunch I said I will see through the window all the way to Reservoir, see how the people are like, how the stations whose name I have heard hundreds of time looked like. It only remained an unfulfilled wish.
I am feeling low again.
When I tell about depression to my relatives, my parents or even Archana for that matter, they ask what is the reason this time. They cannot understand that I do not need reason to be depressed, and I can never explain it to them. I wish I can tell them the reason for depression is because I am alive. My brother thinks I think too negative and that is why I get depressed but I think its the other way around. But apart from me nobody understands this.
I live inside a cocoon, I have lost contact with all my friends. I do not take their calls, I do not reply to their messages. What's the point in talking with them? There is nothing to share and nothing they can do to comfort me.
There was other thing today, my mouth didn't taste bad either.
While returning from work yesterday I hated myself for not being able to end it, for returning home again.
Later in the day a had a little respite, I was numb and not sad. In the morning my hands trembled, my legs felt weak, I wanted to fall into the ground, collapse and never rise again. That didn't happen. I didn't feel teary most of the day.
I have traveled between the Flinders Street to Reservoir hundreds of time but never have I kept my eyes open all the way. I have mostly been unhappy in all those journeys, today during lunch I said I will see through the window all the way to Reservoir, see how the people are like, how the stations whose name I have heard hundreds of time looked like. It only remained an unfulfilled wish.
I am feeling low again.
When I tell about depression to my relatives, my parents or even Archana for that matter, they ask what is the reason this time. They cannot understand that I do not need reason to be depressed, and I can never explain it to them. I wish I can tell them the reason for depression is because I am alive. My brother thinks I think too negative and that is why I get depressed but I think its the other way around. But apart from me nobody understands this.
I live inside a cocoon, I have lost contact with all my friends. I do not take their calls, I do not reply to their messages. What's the point in talking with them? There is nothing to share and nothing they can do to comfort me.
There was other thing today, my mouth didn't taste bad either.
Tuesday 16 August 2016
Titleless
I was very confused as I woke up yesterday morning. I had a guilt of not going to work last Friday. I do not want to avoid work because I am depressed. I wish I didn't have to go to work. I had been awake for long so didn't feel lazy as I got out of bed. I took a shower, put on my clothes but something was not right as always. Archana was awake as well as she put lunch into my lunchbox. She looked at me, she wanted to find the signs that I was OK this morning, the hope that will shatter as soon as she put her eye on me. A numb, expressionless stone stared her back telling her it is far from over.
I dragged myself to the train station, there was no urge to jump on the train track but I was not OK. I hated the fact that I had to face people at work.
What I felt yesterday has been already spitted out in my previous post. After the evening meal we (me and my daughter) were expecting our cousin and her family. They arrived and I could tell that she was very concerned, she had come to see me, to help me out. I only sat there as an inanimate object just waiting them to go so that I can jump into the bed.
When they were here I looked at my niece and nephew and then my daughter. My daughter was coy and out of place. She looked so naive as if she didn't belong among them. I choked to see her, I saw a little girl without a father in her.
My phone rang, it was my friend. I was further in tears, I could not gather enough courage to speak to him. As soon as my cousin left I rushed into my room and wept. My friend had called from Nepal and he had left a voice mail, I deleted it without even listening to it. I wept and wept till I felt a little better.
I dragged myself to the train station, there was no urge to jump on the train track but I was not OK. I hated the fact that I had to face people at work.
What I felt yesterday has been already spitted out in my previous post. After the evening meal we (me and my daughter) were expecting our cousin and her family. They arrived and I could tell that she was very concerned, she had come to see me, to help me out. I only sat there as an inanimate object just waiting them to go so that I can jump into the bed.
When they were here I looked at my niece and nephew and then my daughter. My daughter was coy and out of place. She looked so naive as if she didn't belong among them. I choked to see her, I saw a little girl without a father in her.
My phone rang, it was my friend. I was further in tears, I could not gather enough courage to speak to him. As soon as my cousin left I rushed into my room and wept. My friend had called from Nepal and he had left a voice mail, I deleted it without even listening to it. I wept and wept till I felt a little better.
Monday 15 August 2016
A letter a note
I wrote this a week back
"I think now it is the time to make decision. I cannot put everyone life's to uncertainty. Earlier I used to get depression once a year, but from the year 2010, its been more frequent with once every three months, then now it is just there, never going away. My pride won't let me live the life of a vegetable, not being able to do anything for my family and specially my daughter. There are no options left.
Last night I woke up after hearing the sound of someone's sobbing, that someone was my dearest wife. I could feel her restlessness as she changed sides, tried to find comfort by embracing our daughter but it didn't help her, my agony cannot be described in words. Later at around 3:30 AM she managed to fall asleep and I wrestled with train of destructive thoughts. She wrongly thinks that she is someway responsible for my suffering and god knows that is not true. If there is anyone who has caused suffering to other then its me. Had I been back home, my destiny wouldn't have been different. She has supported me every single moment, shared my pain and poured me with selfless love. My pain, my suffering is from within and it won't stop unless I stop. So it is time to stop. The medicines didn't help me and probably the doctor was not right as well. I do not blame him though, yet I often feel I have developed bipolar and he didn't recognize it or gave me right prescription. These things look mundane.
For last couple of days I have been sleep deprived, sleep leaves me somewhere around 3:30 and my struggle with the long day begins. Every minute passes like a year, agonizing year.
In a day my mood swings hundred of times, I try to cling on to hope and it vanishes very quickly.
As I depart I do not even allow myself to beg mercy of forgiveness. I have caused them lot of pain and this pain will only increase with my life. I remember my mother, my father, my brother and feel sorry for them. What can I say about my wife and my daughter, their thoughts sinks my heart, I choke but probably this is their destiny.
Every father would rejoice when he sees his trait in his daughter but I felt pain when my daughter behaved like me, made faces like me, talked like me. I do not want her to be like me.
I do not wish my body be seen by any of my family. I do not want it to be sent to Nepal. I just want to tell my parents and my brother that I had thoughts of them as I make this decision.
I wish my daughter and my wife join her brother in Perth and continue living here in Australia. Staying with her sister could be few days option but their strict discipline will have negative impact on my daughter's already traumatized state. The pain will not completely washed away but it won't remain worse. My daughter hopefully does not remember me as she grows up. I am her culprit but if she wanted to know about me later, please tell her I loved her the most, she was my most prized possession.
All my passwords are in Archana´s dropbox folder in a file called MyPwds.docx "
"I think now it is the time to make decision. I cannot put everyone life's to uncertainty. Earlier I used to get depression once a year, but from the year 2010, its been more frequent with once every three months, then now it is just there, never going away. My pride won't let me live the life of a vegetable, not being able to do anything for my family and specially my daughter. There are no options left.
Last night I woke up after hearing the sound of someone's sobbing, that someone was my dearest wife. I could feel her restlessness as she changed sides, tried to find comfort by embracing our daughter but it didn't help her, my agony cannot be described in words. Later at around 3:30 AM she managed to fall asleep and I wrestled with train of destructive thoughts. She wrongly thinks that she is someway responsible for my suffering and god knows that is not true. If there is anyone who has caused suffering to other then its me. Had I been back home, my destiny wouldn't have been different. She has supported me every single moment, shared my pain and poured me with selfless love. My pain, my suffering is from within and it won't stop unless I stop. So it is time to stop. The medicines didn't help me and probably the doctor was not right as well. I do not blame him though, yet I often feel I have developed bipolar and he didn't recognize it or gave me right prescription. These things look mundane.
For last couple of days I have been sleep deprived, sleep leaves me somewhere around 3:30 and my struggle with the long day begins. Every minute passes like a year, agonizing year.
In a day my mood swings hundred of times, I try to cling on to hope and it vanishes very quickly.
As I depart I do not even allow myself to beg mercy of forgiveness. I have caused them lot of pain and this pain will only increase with my life. I remember my mother, my father, my brother and feel sorry for them. What can I say about my wife and my daughter, their thoughts sinks my heart, I choke but probably this is their destiny.
Every father would rejoice when he sees his trait in his daughter but I felt pain when my daughter behaved like me, made faces like me, talked like me. I do not want her to be like me.
I do not wish my body be seen by any of my family. I do not want it to be sent to Nepal. I just want to tell my parents and my brother that I had thoughts of them as I make this decision.
I wish my daughter and my wife join her brother in Perth and continue living here in Australia. Staying with her sister could be few days option but their strict discipline will have negative impact on my daughter's already traumatized state. The pain will not completely washed away but it won't remain worse. My daughter hopefully does not remember me as she grows up. I am her culprit but if she wanted to know about me later, please tell her I loved her the most, she was my most prized possession.
All my passwords are in Archana´s dropbox folder in a file called MyPwds.docx "
Another day
I struggled to think of an appropriate title for this post. I am feeling restless, my hands are trembling. Everything is listless and lifeless. But as I wrote yesterday, I returned home to see my daughter to see my dearest wife yet I still do not see the meaning of continuing my life. When I think what has happened to me, I just don't know, in fact nothing has happened to me, there are no reasons to be sad yet I am sad very sad.
I felt the burden of moving a mountain as I readied myself to go to work today. I was worried that colleagues will ask why I was absent on Friday, they will want to talk to me and they will expect response. They will smile and expect smile, they will joke and will expect me to laugh. Simplest things to a common/normal man is a burden for me.
The thoughts of my parents didn't leave me this afternoon. I could see the sad face of my mother and miserable face of my father. I wanted to embrace them and cry, that is another thing that is not possible to do today. I was not very suicidal but kept questioning the meaning of living.
It was not as difficult as I had anticipated but nevertheless it was difficult. The office was silent with only few people around. I was tired and my legs ached to bones. I didn't want to talk to anyone but I had to and I did. I was not very restless throughout the day but towards the end I started feeling nervous, fidgety and restless. I wanted to run away, jump from the windows, run before a speeding vehicle but I did neither of that. I have been through with these feeling and these are really difficult. The worst was when I received an SMS from my cousin saying she wanted to talk to me. I know my parents have requested, begged her to talk to me to persuade me to return. The very thought of returning gives me chills. The idea of being around so many people who know you is something I cannot fathom, the only thing I enjoy in Melbourne is the anonymity, the fact that no-one knows you, whether you shed tears in the train or you run in the streets. So these are the conflicts that I fought throughout the day. I was also feeling dizzy once-in-a-while. Though I constantly thought I should rather die, I didn't feel like dying just remained drowsy with the sedating thoughts of death. I really do not understand what is the point of living when living is just letting the air in and letting it out. Archana says I have to live for her, for our daughter, for my parents and my brother but what can I give them except for pain.
I know my parents might not have eaten properly for weeks nor they might have slept well, probably the pain that I have made them go through is greater than the pain I am enduring. I can understand their agony and because I can understand that, it is more painful.
Today I inquired my superannuation provider about my insurance cover and what if I committed suicide, since I had opted the automatic one I was entitled to one even if I committed suicide that meant that Archana will get roughly 140 thousand Australian dollar. That came as a relief and today I felt bad for the fact that I was still living, I have postponed it every time. I wish with that money and a small saving that we have, she goes to Perth to live closer to her brother. I hope she will be able to buy a single bedroom apartment with that money. Later she can start working and continue living. But the thoughts of my parents won't just go away, as I picked my daughter from school I remembered they used to pick me the same way, my mother would be very worried if she was late by a minute. We (me and my brother) were the entire world for my father. He wouldn't let us go away from his sight, when we wanted to go to our cousins for night stay he wouldn't allow us or be very very reluctant because he wanted us to be around, he wanted to be able to see.
My father cannot walk properly because he had typhoid 11 times and back in those days in his village there were no doctor and they didn't know about typhoid. My grandmother used to tell me that when I was born the first thing my father touched was my feet. He wanted me to have strong legs, he wanted me to walk properly. I vaguely remember the trouble and pain he had gone through when I broke my leg when I was a child. But there are many fathers who have lost children and all of them loved their children the same way like any other father does.
While growing up, one of my greatest ambitions in my life was to give all sorts of happiness to my parents, when I got married I wanted to make my wife happy, when I had a daughter I wanted to be the best father and I am failing in all of them.
Somewhere I feel that with the mercy of God there will come a day when I shall remember these days of pain and say "I had almost killed myself, thank God I didn't." However the prospects are very weak, very very weak indeed.
My cousin will be arriving soon and I know she will try to persuade me to return. I wish I could gather courage to jump before a train rather than returning back to Nepal. Today unlike the days of my youth I cannot say "I can do anything for my parents" and yes I am ashamed of it, too ashamed of it.
I felt the burden of moving a mountain as I readied myself to go to work today. I was worried that colleagues will ask why I was absent on Friday, they will want to talk to me and they will expect response. They will smile and expect smile, they will joke and will expect me to laugh. Simplest things to a common/normal man is a burden for me.
The thoughts of my parents didn't leave me this afternoon. I could see the sad face of my mother and miserable face of my father. I wanted to embrace them and cry, that is another thing that is not possible to do today. I was not very suicidal but kept questioning the meaning of living.
It was not as difficult as I had anticipated but nevertheless it was difficult. The office was silent with only few people around. I was tired and my legs ached to bones. I didn't want to talk to anyone but I had to and I did. I was not very restless throughout the day but towards the end I started feeling nervous, fidgety and restless. I wanted to run away, jump from the windows, run before a speeding vehicle but I did neither of that. I have been through with these feeling and these are really difficult. The worst was when I received an SMS from my cousin saying she wanted to talk to me. I know my parents have requested, begged her to talk to me to persuade me to return. The very thought of returning gives me chills. The idea of being around so many people who know you is something I cannot fathom, the only thing I enjoy in Melbourne is the anonymity, the fact that no-one knows you, whether you shed tears in the train or you run in the streets. So these are the conflicts that I fought throughout the day. I was also feeling dizzy once-in-a-while. Though I constantly thought I should rather die, I didn't feel like dying just remained drowsy with the sedating thoughts of death. I really do not understand what is the point of living when living is just letting the air in and letting it out. Archana says I have to live for her, for our daughter, for my parents and my brother but what can I give them except for pain.
I know my parents might not have eaten properly for weeks nor they might have slept well, probably the pain that I have made them go through is greater than the pain I am enduring. I can understand their agony and because I can understand that, it is more painful.
Today I inquired my superannuation provider about my insurance cover and what if I committed suicide, since I had opted the automatic one I was entitled to one even if I committed suicide that meant that Archana will get roughly 140 thousand Australian dollar. That came as a relief and today I felt bad for the fact that I was still living, I have postponed it every time. I wish with that money and a small saving that we have, she goes to Perth to live closer to her brother. I hope she will be able to buy a single bedroom apartment with that money. Later she can start working and continue living. But the thoughts of my parents won't just go away, as I picked my daughter from school I remembered they used to pick me the same way, my mother would be very worried if she was late by a minute. We (me and my brother) were the entire world for my father. He wouldn't let us go away from his sight, when we wanted to go to our cousins for night stay he wouldn't allow us or be very very reluctant because he wanted us to be around, he wanted to be able to see.
My father cannot walk properly because he had typhoid 11 times and back in those days in his village there were no doctor and they didn't know about typhoid. My grandmother used to tell me that when I was born the first thing my father touched was my feet. He wanted me to have strong legs, he wanted me to walk properly. I vaguely remember the trouble and pain he had gone through when I broke my leg when I was a child. But there are many fathers who have lost children and all of them loved their children the same way like any other father does.
While growing up, one of my greatest ambitions in my life was to give all sorts of happiness to my parents, when I got married I wanted to make my wife happy, when I had a daughter I wanted to be the best father and I am failing in all of them.
Somewhere I feel that with the mercy of God there will come a day when I shall remember these days of pain and say "I had almost killed myself, thank God I didn't." However the prospects are very weak, very very weak indeed.
My cousin will be arriving soon and I know she will try to persuade me to return. I wish I could gather courage to jump before a train rather than returning back to Nepal. Today unlike the days of my youth I cannot say "I can do anything for my parents" and yes I am ashamed of it, too ashamed of it.
Sunday 14 August 2016
Awful weekend
Last evening I felt relief. I was filled with positivity and I felt hungry almost after a week. I found taste in food and it was a good change. I was wondering how today was going to turn up and unfortunately it was bad. I tried to do meditation through youtube channel but it gave me no relief. My daughter's shoes had torn so we had to get a new shoes for her. I didn't want to go anywhere but I felt bad for my daughter because she never gets to go anywhere even on weekend and because of me
she is suffering as well. I thought maybe we should go to the city and have lunch outside. I didn't want to think about food yet I wanted to go out for Archana and nani. Archana was not interested as she was feeling tired. There is nothing to do in the city so we decided to go to Westfield in South Morang. I was struggling with negative thoughts, but slowly there were signs of improvement. Yet all I wanted to do was to return home and sleep, then mum called Archana. I saw her face on the phone
and I really felt sorry for my parents. I have put them under lot of pain and they fear for my life. As soon as I saw mum, I spiraled back to restlessness, sadness and pain.
I wanted to hold her face and say mum I am sorry, but I love you mum. What I am doing is not by choice. Then again as we were on our way to home there was a little respite.
I sat down to complete Archana's assignment and as I completed it I was feeling terrible. I was feeling suicidal, I was worrying for Archana and for nani but tried to console myself saying probably they will be better off without me.
I thought about my father, his image came before me and I could not control me. I didn't know what to do, whether to run, yell, cry. I got into the bed, I have also been feeling very cold lately. Tomorrow is a huge challenge, I don't know how will I remain sane at work. The possibility of holding on the job looks bleak and the possibility of remaining alive is bleaker but I know I will return home tomorrow as well to see my daughter and to see my beautiful wife. I want strength from the god almighty. He is capable of everything, I hope he will take mercy in me.
she is suffering as well. I thought maybe we should go to the city and have lunch outside. I didn't want to think about food yet I wanted to go out for Archana and nani. Archana was not interested as she was feeling tired. There is nothing to do in the city so we decided to go to Westfield in South Morang. I was struggling with negative thoughts, but slowly there were signs of improvement. Yet all I wanted to do was to return home and sleep, then mum called Archana. I saw her face on the phone
and I really felt sorry for my parents. I have put them under lot of pain and they fear for my life. As soon as I saw mum, I spiraled back to restlessness, sadness and pain.
I wanted to hold her face and say mum I am sorry, but I love you mum. What I am doing is not by choice. Then again as we were on our way to home there was a little respite.
I sat down to complete Archana's assignment and as I completed it I was feeling terrible. I was feeling suicidal, I was worrying for Archana and for nani but tried to console myself saying probably they will be better off without me.
I thought about my father, his image came before me and I could not control me. I didn't know what to do, whether to run, yell, cry. I got into the bed, I have also been feeling very cold lately. Tomorrow is a huge challenge, I don't know how will I remain sane at work. The possibility of holding on the job looks bleak and the possibility of remaining alive is bleaker but I know I will return home tomorrow as well to see my daughter and to see my beautiful wife. I want strength from the god almighty. He is capable of everything, I hope he will take mercy in me.
Thursday 11 August 2016
Another difficult day
Yesterday I was heavily suicidal, I wrote a suicidal note. Saved it with a password in my office computer. It was early morning, the last line kept ringing in my head. My last words were for my daughter and it read "You were my most prized possession". I cannot control my tears as I write these line again. I have to close my mouth as I moan as on the other room my daughter is enjoying her cartoon and the least I can do for her to hide her crying father and try to appear sane.
I didn't go to office today as for some reason I was convinced that I will resign from my work and return to Nepal. Later today as I pondered on the idea, it looked less and less feasible. My state won't be different in Nepal and I won't be able to work. My daughter and my wife will probably leave me to stay with my in-laws, even if they stay with me I will have to live with the guilt of ruining their life. Every moment I will feel, I had everything and I ruined them all. The idea to not to go to work is always bad and it was not different today. Empty mind empty house empty thoughts they haunted me all the day. I fell asleep for some 30 minutes but when I woke up, I struggled with suicidal ideation.
I remembered my colleagues were talking about people jumping on the railway tracks and ending their life. Neil said why don't people just take overdose of pills instead that would atleast create problem for the train driver. I wanted to yell at the top of my voice, there is no guarantee that pill will kill you and how do you get enough pills to kill you. I felt bad because whenever I thought of suicide the only way was to jump before the train.
I had a talk with my brother, he was really worried about me. My family back home is more worried after knowing that I talk about suicidal plans. My parents probably haven't slept well after learning about my evil thoughts, my brother probably has never been able to let off the worry of getting a tragic news. I cannot say how worried my Archana is. When I sometime wake up in the middle of the night, I find the pillow wet with her tears or hear her sobs.
I went to pick nani from school. Simpler task looks more difficult than climbing the Everest and lately I haven't been eating well. Foods look like enemy. They are celebrating olympics in her school, she was with her friend. What a lovely face she has. She looked very happy and her happiness reached new elevation after seeing me, after knowing that she won't have to go to the after-school care today. That face is carved in my heart, her smile lit the entire world bright. For a brief moment I felt blissful as if the god had bestowed me a moment to cherish all my life. Some parents were taking pictures of their kids, yes the happy parents, the parents who cared and loved their kid, not worry for them but worked to make their life happier and fulfilling completely unlike me. My daughter was still happy, happy for the fact that she was with her friends and her father was watching her. She was happy for the fact that she was safe because her father was around completely unaware of the battle he was fighting with himself.
I remembered a similar incident back home, I had put her in the best possible school I could afford and they had organised an event. My daughter's class had few dance and singing activities. As always I was fighting depression, I was not thinking about suicide but I was certainly thinking that I will not be around for long. I was nervous, restless and sad. I managed to catch her moments in my iPad.
As those memories unfolded, I became more and more sad because I have no memories where I have really enjoyed anything. I am not saying that I have not enjoyed life but my memories are all battered with depression, there are only scars of pain and pain is the only thing I have given to my family, to people around me.
I didn't go to office today as for some reason I was convinced that I will resign from my work and return to Nepal. Later today as I pondered on the idea, it looked less and less feasible. My state won't be different in Nepal and I won't be able to work. My daughter and my wife will probably leave me to stay with my in-laws, even if they stay with me I will have to live with the guilt of ruining their life. Every moment I will feel, I had everything and I ruined them all. The idea to not to go to work is always bad and it was not different today. Empty mind empty house empty thoughts they haunted me all the day. I fell asleep for some 30 minutes but when I woke up, I struggled with suicidal ideation.
I remembered my colleagues were talking about people jumping on the railway tracks and ending their life. Neil said why don't people just take overdose of pills instead that would atleast create problem for the train driver. I wanted to yell at the top of my voice, there is no guarantee that pill will kill you and how do you get enough pills to kill you. I felt bad because whenever I thought of suicide the only way was to jump before the train.
I had a talk with my brother, he was really worried about me. My family back home is more worried after knowing that I talk about suicidal plans. My parents probably haven't slept well after learning about my evil thoughts, my brother probably has never been able to let off the worry of getting a tragic news. I cannot say how worried my Archana is. When I sometime wake up in the middle of the night, I find the pillow wet with her tears or hear her sobs.
I went to pick nani from school. Simpler task looks more difficult than climbing the Everest and lately I haven't been eating well. Foods look like enemy. They are celebrating olympics in her school, she was with her friend. What a lovely face she has. She looked very happy and her happiness reached new elevation after seeing me, after knowing that she won't have to go to the after-school care today. That face is carved in my heart, her smile lit the entire world bright. For a brief moment I felt blissful as if the god had bestowed me a moment to cherish all my life. Some parents were taking pictures of their kids, yes the happy parents, the parents who cared and loved their kid, not worry for them but worked to make their life happier and fulfilling completely unlike me. My daughter was still happy, happy for the fact that she was with her friends and her father was watching her. She was happy for the fact that she was safe because her father was around completely unaware of the battle he was fighting with himself.
I remembered a similar incident back home, I had put her in the best possible school I could afford and they had organised an event. My daughter's class had few dance and singing activities. As always I was fighting depression, I was not thinking about suicide but I was certainly thinking that I will not be around for long. I was nervous, restless and sad. I managed to catch her moments in my iPad.
As those memories unfolded, I became more and more sad because I have no memories where I have really enjoyed anything. I am not saying that I have not enjoyed life but my memories are all battered with depression, there are only scars of pain and pain is the only thing I have given to my family, to people around me.
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