7th September, 2016

I fell asleep on 0.125mg of clonazepam but woke up earlier than usual. Same day again, same routine and same sadness, temptation to end it for good, never ending worries etc. I thought I would come home earlier as Neil won't be in but then there is no point, it is better to remain at office as far as possible.
Neil had sent me a text message saying something needed immediate attention, I thought it shouldn't be very complex fix and in-fact it wasn't.
I was thinking about carrying my pass as I entered the office but forgot when I went to the toilet so I was locked out. I stayed outside waiting someone to come early and I could get in. I waited there impatiently, this is the third time I had locked out myself. Then I thought Nick might be at the cafe in the ground floor so I went downstairs. Luckily he was there, I borrowed his pass and entered into the office. The first thing I did was checked the email and fixed the issue.
There was no work to be done so it was going to be a troublesome day, tiring day. I was feeling very empty and sad, sadness has become a part of my personality. I was not very suicidal today yet kept contemplating on the prospect of living like the way I am living. It is not feasible, it is not possible. I do not ask god to make me free of depression I just beg him to enable me to live with it.
The universe that is almost 14 billion years old went through so many natural experiments living being came into existence some 4 billion years ago and human being came into existence mere 200,000 years ago. I just wonder if whatever that has made life possible in earth was a mere coincidence or it was a divine intervention by god. If God had created everything, does he keep track of every organism, does he know I exist among billions of lives in earth and probably in other galaxies. Would he care if I commit suicide or I lived, whether I was able to hold job or I continue as a loser. Would he care that there is one of the most beautiful girl he created through me? Or am I just a result of experiment that went wrong. Out of billions of possibility in DNA permutation and combination I could have happened to be a wrong combination. Nature selects its survivor and probably I am not the survivor that is supposed to continue. What impact will my life have in the world? Yes it does impact seven people directly: Archana, nani (my daughter), my parents, my brother and Archana's parents. Why would god care?
But what happens when we die. I am a Hindu and our scriptures suggest millions of births and rebirths until one cleanses oneself to be united with the divine. Suicide or unnatural death leads to bad karma and one remains in world which has only suffering and pain, there is no salvation. I used to hold myself from taking my life earlier though I am not a very religious person, now all I think is I don't care. I feel there can be nothing worse than what I am enduring.
Still the fact is life is precious, I want to live but with what is happening it doesn't seem possible.