Every drop of life has oozed out of me

It was on Saturday, I wrote how this time I was depressed but not suicidal, that didn't happen to be true today. I was heavily suicidal and at two points I just wanted to do it, the suffering was too much to take, it was really hard to calm myself down. Then again as usual the face of my angel, my daughter appeared before me, I was again all tearful. I feel like a soldier who is between life and death, the bullets have made holes everywhere in the body but there is a life and worse of all he can feel the pain, terrible pain. The suicidal thought subsided after the lunch but it was not fully gone.
I went to see a different GP, I cried before him. I felt so helpless. It was an expensive visit but I had thought I would spend atleast a month's salary for my health. He asked me if I felt suicidal, I said yes. He asked if I had any plans or if I had bought any instrument. I said no, I didn't want to be sent to suicide prevention centre. Plan!!! I think I will jump before a train. I wonder what he meant by instruments.
On the way back home I had closed my eyes the same instrumental music playing on my mobile phone. I wondered why music sounded like a cacophony, where had happiness gone, where was the person who was always happy just a decade back, where was the loving husband, where was the caring father. I am not who I am. A strong smell of facial cream dragged my troubled mind, it reminded me of my mother, it reminded me of an old photograph where me and my brother stood by the side of a young woman, that young woman was my mother. I thought how different she looked on Skype this Saturday, time has eroded the glow of youth and her son has added more to her worries. I remembered the smile of my father, one of the upper teeth missing, he will be turning 70 in 3 years and only pain I have given him.
My palms are burning, my head is light and dizzy. Every drop of life has oozed out of me. I have returned home today, I am not sure about tomorrow.