8th September, 2016

Yesterday I struggled to sleep. I kept turning and changing sides, I had taken 0.125 of clonazepam half my normal intake. I would have fallen asleep but the thought that I had taken half the pill kept me awake and restless. I got up and took the pill and was quickly asleep. Nani was sleeping by my side, I worried for her.

When I left home I really had no idea if I would return, I wanted to kiss Nani a last wish but I didn't want to raise any doubts on Archana so left home without kissing her. What hopes or wishes have fulfilled that I should expect this wish to be fulfilled as well. I was lightheaded, not very suicidal still contemplating it. Despite not being suicidal I wondered what is the point in living. Yet strangely it was not as bad as yesterday and at one point in time I was telling myself, its life the most difficult days last a maximum of 15 days and I have to get used to it. Whatever I tell myself the fact is living is becoming more and more painful. I was not tearful, I was empty, the kind of emptiness that sucks the breath out of you, the kind of emptiness that scares you more than the face of death.

There is not much to do at work, just some testing and I don't like that. Empty at heart and empty of work, that is such a lethal combination and yet I survived this day.

When I had to go to my colleagues desk for something I used to feel a chill run down my whole body, I just wanted to leave everything and fall in ground and crumble into pieces.

At work the song on which nani had performed kept playing in my mind. Her happy, cheerful face kept taunting me throughout the day. How ephemeral is happiness, how listless the life is?

I worked till 4:00PM and hurried home. As I got into the lift I thought I will reach home late and it will worry Archana as she is aware of my thought-process and my mental state. I sent her a text saying I will be little late this evening.

I was momentarily calm almost close to happy when I reached home, then again the dark spell took me over. I hid myself in my room. Archana and nani were giggling and playing in other room. Archana usually sits by my side when I am at home and she has nothing to do, I didn't know why she chose the other room. I walked silently into the other room watched them play. They didn't notice me, I stood there watching them. This was their fate, one for each other. There won't be a loving husband and there won't be a caring father, my daughter will have to live like this, my wife will have to live like this. They have to seek happiness with each other because that is all they will be left with. I returned back to my room, more worried. I didn't have evil ideas spoiling my brain, yet I knew things won't be right and the fact remained I was as depressed as I had been.