There is one other fear that makes me difficult to breathe. I fear people will blame Archana for my fate. I know how innocent and pure she is. She would have left no stone unturned if it was in her capability to help me. She is probably more helpless than myself.
My decision to come to Australia was only my decision and there was no influence of her. I knew I was not going to keep battling depression but I wanted to take her to the place where her siblings were. She has a small world and that revolves mostly around me. If there is anyone apart from me who she feels close to her are her parents. If I had stayed back home, because of the love of their youngest daughter my in-laws would be bound to the ill-fortuned country. And when age took them away my Archana would be alone in the world with a big responsibility of our daughter. My brother would have done everything possible to him to take care of my daughter unfortunately Archana's relationship with rest of my family is not very pleasant and this is the area where I always thought she needed to improve. Anyways, that is what it is. In Australia, Archana will be close to her brother and sister, her parents could join her.
Life for a single woman is difficult back home and here in Australia it is not a big deal.
Saturday 23 July 2016
It comes back after a month of relief
I am back with it, my inner-self does not seem to like happiness. I had a peaceful and normal existence between mid June till last week. I wonder which would be my normal existence as for the last couple of years I have been more depressed than not-depressed, so perhaps I should relate 'normalcy' with the state of depressed mind.
Everything seemed to be going well, and I was planning to buy a house here in Melbourne. It was last Thursday (14 July, 2016) when it stroke back. I was feeling little breathless and restless before that. Thursday few more things conspired, for example I forgot the username of an account I use every day , more than 10 times a day. I was worried that my memory is faltering. Then I had spell of dizziness and the sore mood took over. To make matter worse I got call from Archana that she had been given a notice for putting her feet on train seat which she says she didn't. I don't know if those things hadn't happened I would have still been depressed or not, but I had again fallen into the trap.
From other day I was again heavily contemplating on suicide. I was thinking about situations for my daughter when I won't be around, it made me more depressed. It is a spiral cycle. At work I was again inside my shell, I avoided everyone. I even didn't charge my phone as I didn't know whether I will last this month or not. I would be teary, worried about my daughter. Worried for the fact that she was on the verge of losing her father at the age of mere 5. There are millions of orphan children in the world and more of them in worse situation but the fact is they are not my children, my daughter is special to me, she is my child.
Yesterday (Friday) at train station, worries for my daughter was too much for me to take. I choked with lumps in my throat, and yes I cried and that in public. The only thing I wanted to do at that time was to embrace her, kiss her, hold her.
She has become thinner lately and unfortunately become more fond of me as she spends more time with me rather than with her mother. I worried what would she think if I died. She doesn't even understand dying, the closest thing she saw was the death of my grandmother and she doesn't remember it. I wondered what would she think about me when she grew up, I wondered if she would miss me. I wondered if she will hate me for leaving her and her mother helpless in this ruthless world. I wondered if she would remember my face or look for me in the internet. I felt sad to think the sadness that would engulf her when she would see her friends talk about their father. If she remembered me, what would she remember. I don't think she will remember me, she's only 5 now. I was worried who will be by her side when she failed in her attempts, who will encourage her apart from her mother. Will she cry in loneliness thinking about me? Later I would determine, its for her I won't commit suicide, just for her, the very next day I was again contemplating suicide again. When I get overcome by the ideation of suicide I think I will be a wrong impression for her being alive than being dead.
Today I talked with my parents back home and Archana told them that I continuously talk about death. I didn't wish she hadn't told them and for that matter I was rather ok that she told them. I understand it won't lessen their grief but they could at-least see it coming.
Later in the day I was worried for my parents, I cried for my mother. I have caused enough pain for them, my passing away will be too much. Whose parents would wish to see their children die? I cried a lot. I want to hid myself in my mother's embrace and cry my life out. I wished I could tell her that I am afraid, I am afraid of this world, I am afraid of this life. I wanted to tell her, Mom please let me go just as I would beg Archana to let me go. These days it is not the fear of death that holds me from dying but its the love of my daughter, the face of my wife. I have become very selfish that I do not think about my parents. It was probably first time in months that I worried for my parents.
My daughter makes me write her birthday invitation cards for her friends. Her birthday is in December and she is looking forward to it, I just feel pity that I might not be around and that she might not have a birthday at all. Every time she makes me write those paper cards I feel a dagger tearing my heart apart.
How can I even think to ruin that beautiful, little life? But unfortunately I do, I just can't control myself.
Everything seemed to be going well, and I was planning to buy a house here in Melbourne. It was last Thursday (14 July, 2016) when it stroke back. I was feeling little breathless and restless before that. Thursday few more things conspired, for example I forgot the username of an account I use every day , more than 10 times a day. I was worried that my memory is faltering. Then I had spell of dizziness and the sore mood took over. To make matter worse I got call from Archana that she had been given a notice for putting her feet on train seat which she says she didn't. I don't know if those things hadn't happened I would have still been depressed or not, but I had again fallen into the trap.
From other day I was again heavily contemplating on suicide. I was thinking about situations for my daughter when I won't be around, it made me more depressed. It is a spiral cycle. At work I was again inside my shell, I avoided everyone. I even didn't charge my phone as I didn't know whether I will last this month or not. I would be teary, worried about my daughter. Worried for the fact that she was on the verge of losing her father at the age of mere 5. There are millions of orphan children in the world and more of them in worse situation but the fact is they are not my children, my daughter is special to me, she is my child.
Yesterday (Friday) at train station, worries for my daughter was too much for me to take. I choked with lumps in my throat, and yes I cried and that in public. The only thing I wanted to do at that time was to embrace her, kiss her, hold her.
She has become thinner lately and unfortunately become more fond of me as she spends more time with me rather than with her mother. I worried what would she think if I died. She doesn't even understand dying, the closest thing she saw was the death of my grandmother and she doesn't remember it. I wondered what would she think about me when she grew up, I wondered if she would miss me. I wondered if she will hate me for leaving her and her mother helpless in this ruthless world. I wondered if she would remember my face or look for me in the internet. I felt sad to think the sadness that would engulf her when she would see her friends talk about their father. If she remembered me, what would she remember. I don't think she will remember me, she's only 5 now. I was worried who will be by her side when she failed in her attempts, who will encourage her apart from her mother. Will she cry in loneliness thinking about me? Later I would determine, its for her I won't commit suicide, just for her, the very next day I was again contemplating suicide again. When I get overcome by the ideation of suicide I think I will be a wrong impression for her being alive than being dead.
Today I talked with my parents back home and Archana told them that I continuously talk about death. I didn't wish she hadn't told them and for that matter I was rather ok that she told them. I understand it won't lessen their grief but they could at-least see it coming.
Later in the day I was worried for my parents, I cried for my mother. I have caused enough pain for them, my passing away will be too much. Whose parents would wish to see their children die? I cried a lot. I want to hid myself in my mother's embrace and cry my life out. I wished I could tell her that I am afraid, I am afraid of this world, I am afraid of this life. I wanted to tell her, Mom please let me go just as I would beg Archana to let me go. These days it is not the fear of death that holds me from dying but its the love of my daughter, the face of my wife. I have become very selfish that I do not think about my parents. It was probably first time in months that I worried for my parents.
My daughter makes me write her birthday invitation cards for her friends. Her birthday is in December and she is looking forward to it, I just feel pity that I might not be around and that she might not have a birthday at all. Every time she makes me write those paper cards I feel a dagger tearing my heart apart.
How can I even think to ruin that beautiful, little life? But unfortunately I do, I just can't control myself.
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