I dig down into my fear

Today was OK, not as ok as yesterday yet a day I can live with. After lunch (1:00 PM) I felt that ominous fear. My palms started to burn, I could feel the burning in stomach. I was tearful. On my way back home, I went down the memory lanes of my early childhood to find a clue.
My early childhood was spent with my mom and my brother as my father was transferred to the far eastern district. As a elder son, I was always told that I had to take care of the family, of my parents. My father couldn't walk properly and probably my mom used to feel insecure about it. I could see her struggle with meagre income, two small sons to take care of and the husband away. Life was not easy for my young mother. My father was doing his best so that we could live happier. Then one early morning we woke up to the sound of our wailing mother. Her father had passed away, she was unconsolable. My mom cried and mourned for more days. Loss of parents are really painful and that entered deep into my shaping mind, they must be the most important people in anyone's life.
Later in one of the vacations, we were in Jhapa where my father was posted. While playing with some kids I fell and fractured a bone in my leg. My leg was in cast for one months and all I could do was to lie in bed. Back in those days and specially in third world countries like ours no-one got crutches perhaps that was a luxury people of poor country could not afford. We lived in the service quarters of my father. Often I was lonely in a poorly lit room. I have vague memories. I kept thinking about so many things, I often used to think that one day my parents will die. I used to worry what will I do then, I loved them so much. I used to cry by creating situations in my brain that had no links to reality, or anticipating situations that might not occur. The fear of losing parents, fear of losing loved ones rooted deep down into me. The fear will revisit me in my adulthood. I do not know if this is the reason of my depression but yes I was sadist by nature from the very young age.
When I am depressed, my main worries remain around my daughter. I keep worrying what will she do without a father, perhaps the fear of losing parents from my early childhood has something to do with this.