Awful weekend

Last evening I felt relief. I was filled with positivity and I felt hungry almost after a week. I found taste in food and it was a good change. I was wondering how today was going to turn up and unfortunately it was bad. I tried to do meditation through youtube channel but it gave me no relief. My daughter's shoes had torn so we had to get a new shoes for her. I didn't want to go anywhere but I felt bad for my daughter because she never gets to go anywhere even on weekend and because of me
she is suffering as well. I thought maybe we should go to the city and have lunch outside. I didn't want to think about food yet I wanted to go out for Archana and nani. Archana was not interested as she was feeling tired. There is nothing to do in the city so we decided to go to Westfield in South Morang. I was struggling with negative thoughts, but slowly there were signs of improvement. Yet all I wanted to do was to return home and sleep, then mum called Archana. I saw her face on the phone
and I really felt sorry for my parents. I have put them under lot of pain and they fear for my life. As soon as I saw mum, I spiraled back to restlessness, sadness and pain.
I wanted to hold her face and say mum I am sorry, but I love you mum. What I am doing is not by choice. Then again as we were on our way to home there was a little respite.
I sat down to complete Archana's assignment and as I completed it I was feeling terrible. I was feeling suicidal, I was worrying for Archana and for nani but tried to console myself saying probably they will be better off without me.
I thought about my father, his image came before me and I could not control me. I didn't know what to do, whether to run, yell, cry. I got into the bed, I have also been feeling very cold lately. Tomorrow is a huge challenge, I don't know how will I remain sane at work. The possibility of holding on the job looks bleak and the possibility of remaining alive is bleaker but I know I will return home tomorrow as well to see my daughter and to see my beautiful wife. I want strength from the god almighty. He is capable of everything, I hope he will take mercy in me.