Another difficult day

Yesterday I was heavily suicidal, I wrote a suicidal note. Saved it with a password in my office computer. It was early morning, the last line kept ringing in my head. My last words were for my daughter and it read "You were my most prized possession". I cannot control my tears as I write these line again. I have to close my mouth as I moan as on the other room my daughter is enjoying her cartoon and the least I can do for her to hide her crying father and try to appear sane.
I didn't go to office today as for some reason I was convinced that I will resign from my work and return to Nepal. Later today as I pondered on the idea, it looked less and less feasible. My state won't be different in Nepal and I won't be able to work. My daughter and my wife will probably leave me to stay with my in-laws, even if they stay with me I will have to live with the guilt of ruining their life. Every moment I will feel, I had everything and I ruined them all. The idea to not to go to work is always bad and it was not different today. Empty mind empty house empty thoughts they haunted me all the day. I fell asleep for some 30 minutes but when I woke up, I struggled with suicidal ideation.
I remembered my colleagues were talking about people jumping on the railway tracks and ending their life. Neil said why don't people just take overdose of pills instead that would atleast create problem for the train driver. I wanted to yell at the top of my voice, there is no guarantee that pill will kill you and how do you get enough pills to kill you. I felt bad because whenever I thought of suicide the only way was to jump before the train.
I had a talk with my brother, he was really worried about me. My family back home is more worried after knowing that I talk about suicidal plans. My parents probably haven't slept well after learning about my evil thoughts, my brother probably has never been able to let off the worry of getting a tragic news. I cannot say how worried my Archana is. When I sometime wake up in the middle of the night, I find the pillow wet with her tears or hear her sobs.
I went to pick nani from school. Simpler task looks more difficult than climbing the Everest and lately I haven't been eating well. Foods look like enemy. They are celebrating olympics in her school, she was with her friend. What a lovely face she has. She looked very happy and her happiness reached new elevation after seeing me, after knowing that she won't have to go to the after-school care today. That face is carved in my heart, her smile lit the entire world bright. For a brief moment I felt blissful as if the god had bestowed me a moment to cherish all my life. Some parents were taking pictures of their kids, yes the happy parents, the parents who cared and loved their kid, not worry for them but worked to make their life happier and fulfilling completely unlike me. My daughter was still happy, happy for the fact that she was with her friends and her father was watching her. She was happy for the fact that she was safe because her father was around completely unaware of the battle he was fighting with himself.
I remembered a similar incident back home, I had put her in the best possible school I could afford and they had organised an event. My daughter's class had few dance and singing activities. As always I was fighting depression, I was not thinking about suicide but I was certainly thinking that I will not be around for long. I was nervous, restless and sad. I managed to catch her moments in my iPad.
As those memories unfolded, I became more and more sad because I have no memories where I have really enjoyed anything. I am not saying that I have not enjoyed life but my memories are all battered with depression, there are only scars of pain and pain is the only thing I have given to my family, to people around me.