A letter a note

I wrote this a week back
"I think now it is the time to make decision. I cannot put everyone life's to uncertainty. Earlier I used to get depression once a year, but from the year 2010, its been more frequent with once every three months, then now it is just there, never going away. My pride won't let me live the life of a vegetable, not being able to do anything for my family and specially my daughter. There are no options left.

Last night I woke up after hearing the sound of someone's sobbing, that someone was my dearest wife. I could feel her restlessness as she changed sides, tried to find comfort by embracing our daughter but it didn't help her, my agony cannot be described in words. Later at around 3:30 AM she managed to fall asleep and I wrestled with train of destructive thoughts. She wrongly thinks that she is someway responsible for my suffering and god knows that is not true. If there is anyone who has caused suffering to other then its me. Had I been back home, my destiny wouldn't have been different. She has supported me every single moment, shared my pain and poured me with selfless love. My pain, my suffering is from within and it won't stop unless I stop. So it is time to stop. The medicines didn't help me and probably the doctor was not right as well. I do not blame him though, yet I often feel  I have developed bipolar and he didn't recognize it or gave me right prescription. These things look mundane.

For last couple of days I have been sleep deprived, sleep leaves me somewhere around 3:30 and my struggle with the long day begins. Every minute passes like a year, agonizing year.

In a day my mood swings hundred of times, I try to cling on to hope and it vanishes very quickly.

As I depart I do not even allow myself to beg mercy of forgiveness. I have caused them lot of pain and this pain will only increase with my life. I remember my mother, my father, my brother and feel sorry for them. What can I say about my wife and my daughter, their thoughts sinks my heart, I choke but probably this is their destiny.

Every father would rejoice when he sees his trait in his daughter but I felt pain when my daughter behaved like me, made faces like me, talked like me. I do not want her to be like me.

I do not wish my body be seen by any of my family. I do not want it to be sent to Nepal. I just want to tell my parents and my brother that I had thoughts of them as I make this decision.

I wish my daughter and my wife join her brother in Perth and continue living here in Australia. Staying with her sister could be few days option but their strict discipline will have negative impact on my daughter's already traumatized state. The pain will not completely washed away but it won't remain worse. My daughter hopefully does not remember me as she grows up. I am her culprit but if she wanted to know about me later, please tell her I loved her the most, she was my most prized possession.

All my passwords are in Archana´s dropbox folder in a file called MyPwds.docx "