Another day of mourning

I had trouble falling asleep yesterday, even after the medicine I could not sleep. I was frightened and anxious. Archana held me tight, I still struggled to sleep but I fell asleep later to be awaken early. I woke up to a numb mood, numb is far better than sad. On the train I didn't wish Flinders Street would never arrive. I developed some hope, there were people who had lived their life despite being depressed. The good mood gave me company till I reached office. I was sad again. I had no purpose in life. If there is anything that I want I want to be able to hold my job and remain alive. I have no desire to remain alive if I loose job. What can you do when your inner self cannot see you happy?
While returning from work yesterday I hated myself for not being able to end it, for returning home again.
Later in the day a had a little respite, I was numb and not sad. In the morning my hands trembled, my legs felt weak, I wanted to fall into the ground, collapse and never rise again. That didn't happen. I didn't feel teary most of the day.
I have traveled between the Flinders Street to Reservoir hundreds of time but never have I kept my eyes open all the way. I have mostly been unhappy in all those journeys, today during lunch I said I will see through the window all the way to Reservoir, see how the people are like, how the stations whose name I have heard hundreds of time looked like. It only remained an unfulfilled wish.
I am feeling low again.
When I tell about depression to my relatives, my parents or even Archana for that matter, they ask what is the reason this time. They cannot understand that I do not need reason to be depressed, and I can never explain it to them. I wish I can tell them the reason for depression is because I am alive. My brother thinks I think too negative and that is why I get depressed but I think its the other way around. But apart from me nobody understands this.
I live inside a cocoon, I have lost contact with all my friends. I do not take their calls, I do not reply to their messages. What's the point in talking with them? There is nothing to share and nothing they can do to comfort me.
There was other thing today, my mouth didn't taste bad either.