20th September, 2016 (Tuesday)

I went to work a devastated, suicidal, worried man but when I returned I was Ok.

14th September 2016, Wednesday

Its 7:45 PM as I write this line. Today was one of the days when I was fine. No-one would have believed I was the same person who was highly depressed and contemplating heavily on suicide. It was a day after so many terrible nights.
I watched Shawshank Redemption allover again and I fell in love with it again. I find it better everytime I watch it. Had antidepressants and the depression not faulted my memory I would have known every dialogue in the movie by now. But as my memory is faulty, I find it as fresh and as wonderful as if I am watching it for the first time.

14th September 2016, Wednesday

I went to sleep at 8:30 PM yesterday and quickly fell asleep. When I looked at the watch it was 2:53 AM and I was fully awake so a day with headache was in the making. Yesterday I had bad headache especially as the day progressed. I was waken up by Archana, she said I had missed the alarm and it was already quarter to five. I wondered how could I miss the alarm as I thought I was awake make be I was talking too much in my head.

In three days Santosh (my brother) will be here, I am little happy. A little colour will be added to Archana's and Nani's otherwise colourless life. When Archana learnt Santosh was coming she was very happy, happier than when her parents were coming. She thinks Santosh will bring happiness in my life and I will feel better. It only pains me to think that all her happiness are tied to me as if they begin or end with me.  Nani won't have to stay home in holidays, see can visit places with her Sano-baba (uncle). She has already conveyed her wishlist to my father on phone. Her wishes are simple and innocent. I think her wishes would have been different if I was different, if I could be part of her happiness. I didn't speak to her yesterday and every bit in me pains when I think that I didn't speak to her, I didn't ask her how her day was. They had sent her school photos, she looked so beautiful. That simple innocent smile got carved inside me, I wonder if she inherit those smile from me as she inherits so many things from me. The fact that she inherits so many things from me worries me. 

When I left home this morning, I held Nani's school photos for more than a minute and felt sad. I had seen some strands of hair falling on her face when I turned the light on this morning. She looks like a star a glowing star. The words are incapable to express my love for her. I hate myself for not talking to her, for not playing with her. It is not because I can't but because I won't. I want to be independent of her father's existence which itself is doubtful.

I arrived in office in a rather good mood. I am waiting for Saturday to come soon, very soon and the October to never come as my brother will return. It won't happen but I can't help myself from wishing.

13th September, 2016 Tuesday

I woke up early today so I have brought headache to office. I am still on 0.125mg of clonazepam. So my brother is coming this weekend. I was thinking how our paths have separated.  Born to the same parents and with just 18 months difference in age we grew up like twins. We looked similar but today we live completely different life. He lives happy life whereas I live in miseries. The major worry that he has is about me otherwise he is content with his life. He takes good care of his wife and daughter. I on the other hand live a troubled living. I cannot and have not given any happiness to my family. I have made my wife's life miserable and life of rest of my family troublesome.  Unfortunately because I am faulty my innocent child will have to suffer as well. When I tend to make comparison between my daughter and my niece (my brother's daughter), I can easily see the happiness around my niece in terms of parents. I could be wrong, I could be faulty but my child is pure, she is innocent, she has caused no harm to anyone but she might suffer because her father was a weak individual.

When in Nepal it still seemed that our (me and my brother) lives intertwined but after coming here to Australia our life have taken completely different route. I grew up as a good influence to my brother, my cousins and my other friends and relatives but now I am a bad influence, a case of failure.

I was almost happy when I was doing the Yoga, happy for the fact that my brother will be here. God knows how much I missed him, missed him more than anybody else. The feeling of happiness brought terror though. I was afraid to be happy because in couple of hours or minutes I will drown deep into depression, hopelessness and negativity. My happiness was gone, I had headache and still I was feeling low.

11th September 2016, Sunday

I didn't sleep well last night. I was awake after 2:00 AM in the morning leaving me with a bad long day with negativity and headache. It was a beautiful day as the Sun was bright and warm. We went to a nearby park as nani wanted to be there. I was really very reluctant to go there, frightened, nervous and shaky but we went there. I sat there as Archana helped nani in the swing. We stayed there for a short time and I didn't utter a single word, sat there silently.
I wonder if the idea of cutting down clonazepam was a good idea specially when I am not feeling well though that is just a routine. Bad sleep led to upset stomach. I am feeling restless again pondering on what is the point in continuing like this though I have not felt suicidal as such. I think I should be taking 0.25mg clonazepam today.

10th September 2016, Saturday

It will be a long day and I have not decided what I will do. I do not want to sleep, I do not want to go out. Probably I will browse the internet, watch few movies.
I fell asleep on 0.125mg of clonazepam and had a very sound sleep, I woke up around 6:00AM and remained in the bed till 7:00 AM. My body felt rested so did my mind but I was feeling sad, unhappy. The distasteful mood is persistent as I write down these words.
Thursday I did not have complaint of burning palms but yesterday my palms began burning again and there is mild burning today as well.

9th September 2016, Friday

I watched Avatar last evening and was in awe at what brilliant, unpolluted and creative mind can do. I used to think that our creativity is limited to what is available in universe i.e. we cannot think of anything that does not exist in this universe. I still think that might be true but my mind is occupied in other things rather than these musings.
I slept on 0.125mg of clonazepam last night and didn't sleep well. Dreams disturbed me and my mind didn't feel rested, it was apparent in the day as I felt dizziness. I was not suicidal for the entire day and I had no emptiness, yet I was feeling light-headed and dizzy. For a change I left home with a positive feeling which soon vanished by the time I reached office. At work I was indifferent, I struggled less as I communicated with my team, but was again very paranoid, it was more difficult around 12:00PM. After lunch I seemed to feel ok. I came home with emptiness, watched a movie, indulged with nani for a small time and then fell asleep.
My palms felt burning. I felt the burning in both palms. It was alright yesterday.

8th September, 2016

Yesterday I struggled to sleep. I kept turning and changing sides, I had taken 0.125 of clonazepam half my normal intake. I would have fallen asleep but the thought that I had taken half the pill kept me awake and restless. I got up and took the pill and was quickly asleep. Nani was sleeping by my side, I worried for her.

When I left home I really had no idea if I would return, I wanted to kiss Nani a last wish but I didn't want to raise any doubts on Archana so left home without kissing her. What hopes or wishes have fulfilled that I should expect this wish to be fulfilled as well. I was lightheaded, not very suicidal still contemplating it. Despite not being suicidal I wondered what is the point in living. Yet strangely it was not as bad as yesterday and at one point in time I was telling myself, its life the most difficult days last a maximum of 15 days and I have to get used to it. Whatever I tell myself the fact is living is becoming more and more painful. I was not tearful, I was empty, the kind of emptiness that sucks the breath out of you, the kind of emptiness that scares you more than the face of death.

There is not much to do at work, just some testing and I don't like that. Empty at heart and empty of work, that is such a lethal combination and yet I survived this day.

When I had to go to my colleagues desk for something I used to feel a chill run down my whole body, I just wanted to leave everything and fall in ground and crumble into pieces.

At work the song on which nani had performed kept playing in my mind. Her happy, cheerful face kept taunting me throughout the day. How ephemeral is happiness, how listless the life is?

I worked till 4:00PM and hurried home. As I got into the lift I thought I will reach home late and it will worry Archana as she is aware of my thought-process and my mental state. I sent her a text saying I will be little late this evening.

I was momentarily calm almost close to happy when I reached home, then again the dark spell took me over. I hid myself in my room. Archana and nani were giggling and playing in other room. Archana usually sits by my side when I am at home and she has nothing to do, I didn't know why she chose the other room. I walked silently into the other room watched them play. They didn't notice me, I stood there watching them. This was their fate, one for each other. There won't be a loving husband and there won't be a caring father, my daughter will have to live like this, my wife will have to live like this. They have to seek happiness with each other because that is all they will be left with. I returned back to my room, more worried. I didn't have evil ideas spoiling my brain, yet I knew things won't be right and the fact remained I was as depressed as I had been.