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Hopes after hopes are crashing. I was hoping that the new psychiatrist was better one but luck had stored something else for me. This one was not good either. The first thing was he practiced very far away from where I reside and second I didn’t find him competent enough. I was already running out of clonazepam and I thought I would have this new psychiatrist write a prescription for me. I had the only 3 pills left which would last me only 6 days, the GP won’t write the prescription for clonazepam because it is addictive in nature. I requested this new psychiatrist to write me the clonazepam but he said he couldn’t do it. He said the way my GP had written a referral prevented him from prescribing me any medicine. I pleaded to him that if he doesn’t write me a prescription for clonazepam, I will be in big trouble. I told him that I had tried to come out of the clonazepam once but it had severe withdrawal symptoms. In fact he even suggested I should not taper off clonazepam yet he refused to prescribe it to me. He said the only option left for me to go to the GP explain her my situations and ask her to write the prescription. I walked out of the clinic almost devastated with no idea what I will do next. I was in serious trouble. I had to take my daughter with me to see the psychiatrist as there was no one to look after her. I called my GP’s clinic on my way back home to book an appointment as soon as possible. The earliest appointment I could have was on 3^rd of September, three days later and it was unlikely that she would write me a prescription. I was getting more and more restless. I called my previous psychiatrist’s clinic to book for an appointment as he would certainly write me the prescription but nobody picked the call. It was getting really unbearable to live that situation, if I didn’t have my daughter with me, I didn’t know what I would have done. I have not been able to control my nervousness and smallest of incidents make me go crazy. Then I planned that no matter what happens I was going to my previous psychiatrist on Saturday and explain him my situation and get the prescription. I was nervous and shaking as I boarded the train with my daughter. Then I remembered once I had put some clonazepam pills in my office bag so that I could have it if I get extremely fidgety and nervous at work. With a great hope I looked inside the bag and there it was 8 pills which meant I had 16 days plus 6 days a total of twenty two days. It was a relief, though I was worried for the fact that my quest of good psychiatrist was a disappointment and all my hopes were shattering. I tried to tell myself if there is one help that is available then its me myself. I have to learn to live with depression. By the way this new psychiatrist had suggested I had more of anxiety than depression and whatever symptoms I told him indicated towards anxiety rather than depression. He suggested depression was a side-effect of anxiety, something I had doubted earlier.

On the way back home I got a call from work, they already are doubting my situation. Neil wanted to discuss something with me, I told him that I will be at home after half an hour, half an hour later a nervous shaky me was talking with Neil mixing words. Then I was working nervously, then I got a call from my previous psychiatrist’s assistant. I had missed an appointment with him so I said I was at hospital. I requested her to give me the earliest appointment possible. She said the earliest I could have was on 21^st of September. I said it would be too late she must do something to help me, then she said if 14^th was ok with me. I said that would be OK and she booked an appointment for 14^th September at 5:00PM. I was little relieved but at the same time worried that I had to deal with this psychiatrist who would do nothing but count money.

Archana called me a little later, she was as hopeful as I was that the new psychiatrist would be good and he would be able to help me. When I told her the entire thing  she was very disappointed as well, and from her voice I could say she was really worried as well. The prospects of my becoming better looked more and more distant.