Difficult week

This was a terrible week. I drifted between suicidal thoughts and to normal depressive mood frequently. When I woke up, I was tired and wanted to go back to bed. I feel cold even in sunny day, the chill runs all over my body and I feel as if I have fever, passing time is really difficult and specially among people who are usually joking, laughing and shouting. The world looks so dumb and cruel, what is there to laugh about? what is there to enjoy?
I feel strong urge to cry but cannot cry. Yesterday I wrote a farewell note to my wife and I wept as I wrote every single sentence. The head felt light but the sadness was too much. Yesterday at a point of time I thought I had to quit, I just wanted to finish a small work I was doing at office and then I will end it atleast I thought so. The feeling was so exciting that I lost the urge to end it, I wonder if I have started liking being sad in reality. After 1:00 PM there is no possibility, I have to live that day as my wife will be at office and my daughter will be stranded at school. I can't leave my daughter that way.
Today was more frustrating and depressing. I was feeling heavily suicidal. I wrote a nice clean and short note for the cops who will discover my body. I specified the phone number of my cousin and my brother in law and pleaded not to tell my wife first. But as I think of my daughter, my legs disagree to go to that path. I remember her innocent face, I remember the way she calls me "babillo". I think of various trouble she might have to face if a father is not around. I imagine of the harshness of the world to my princess and I crumble to my seat devastated. I am not sure how long she is going to hold me back.
I do not even think about my parents, their slightest thought brings tear to me. I feel of my wife, every day she cooks food for me trying things just to check if that might freshen up my mood. When she returns from work I am already asleep with my daughter in my arm. I never bother to ask how was her day, I never bother to ask if she is alright. I just become a selfish, indifferent person. I am her culprit, I have made her suffer and she doesn't worth it.
I do not earn enough and I worry without me how she is going to continue on with life.
Today is my beloved brother's birthday but I couldn't call him to wish him a birthday, I did manage to write a flat/distasteful email. One of the reasons I didn't want to end my life was the very reason that today was my brother's birthday. I don't want him to associate his birthday with something fateful but at around 11:00 in the morning that wouldn't hold me back.
At one point of time I decided to fight back and not to give up. A hint of positivity was shining and then I tore apart the suicide note that I had written. But later in the day I will drift back to sadness and almost in tears by lunchtime. I yet thanked god for saving my life today to see the face of my child, to hear her voice, to wait for my wife.
Its been 9 continuous months of depression, how am I going to live through it.