Another day

When I went to bed, I was in a rather positive state of mind, I was totally engrossed in what I was doing, however as I woke up, I was in sore mood. I wasn't suicidal but I felt empty from inside and I felt depressed. I took a long time to decide whether I should get out of bed or remain there. I took time to decide if I should take bath or not, eventually I took bath. I sat for a long time trying to meditate, reciting the religious mantras. Every thing has become similar to the medicine, they do not make any effect and yet I continue them thinking things will be worse if I stopped doing them. Same holds for life, if I stopped living things will be worse and its worse that I am trying to avoid. The situation was no different.
A little later I found myself in a positive state again, in a given day my mood swings more than 100 times but if duration is to be decisive I am 98 percent depressed. She asked me to accompany her to Coles and I rejected but later as the state changed to positive I found myself at Coles picking groceries.
Soon at home I threw myself to computer do some programming and see if that helps. I thought the recovery had began. I had the driving lesson which I didn't want and yet I went. I didn't do any better, the instructor was often pissed off as I seem to have forgotten what he had precisely told me to do and moreover what he had told me not to do. I took a pity on myself and just maintained a helpless smile as he was losing his temper.
I came home aghast, hopeless and teary. I wasn't feeling exactly suicidal but there were worries of death. My angel was waiting for me to return and she had told her mum that she will have her meal with dad. I wondered if I will always return when she waited for me. For some reason she doesn't like to play inside, the small verandah is her play area. I don't want any fateful news to come to her when she is playing her dolls in that verandah. She whined a lot in the morning and I was feeling irritated but didn't utter a single word because I had right to get irritated if only I had gone to comfort her and she had disobeyed.
Even yesterday she slept by my side, with her head on my lap. I love the baby smell of her hair, the scent of her skin. She looked so calm and prettier in her sleep. She knew nothing will happen to her as she was sleeping by the side of her baba. Her baba however is not a stable man, he can do anything, her immature mind does not understand depression but she knows her baba has some illness that makes him go dumb, that makes him indifferent to everything. She often tries to break my silence as I struggle with my depression in melancholy. She makes faces at me, she yells "Baba" at me, she laughs but I sit like inanimate object, I am dead before I have died.
I looked at the watch as I worked on my computer last night, it was time for her(my wife) to return home, I hurried to shut down my computer and turn off the light because I didn't want to speak to her. Such a cruel rot I had become. She hasn't felt me for many weeks, she has no-one to talk to, she left everything for me and there I am ignoring her, not only that I am hatching a conspiracy to ruin whatever she has left.