I went to sleep at 8:30 PM yesterday and
quickly fell asleep. When I looked at the watch it was 2:53 AM and I was fully
awake so a day with headache was in the making. Yesterday I had bad headache
especially as the day progressed. I was waken up by Archana, she said I had
missed the alarm and it was already quarter to five. I wondered how could I
miss the alarm as I thought I was awake make be I was talking too much in my
head.
In three days Santosh (my brother) will be
here, I am little happy. A little colour will be added to Archana's and Nani's
otherwise colourless life. When Archana learnt Santosh was coming she was very
happy, happier than when her parents were coming. She thinks Santosh will bring
happiness in my life and I will feel better. It only pains me to think that all
her happiness are tied to me as if they begin or end with me. Nani won't have to stay home in holidays, see
can visit places with her Sano-baba (uncle). She has already conveyed her
wishlist to my father on phone. Her wishes are simple and innocent. I think her
wishes would have been different if I was different, if I could be part of her
happiness. I didn't speak to her yesterday and every bit in me pains when I
think that I didn't speak to her, I didn't ask her how her day was. They had
sent her school photos, she looked so beautiful. That simple innocent smile got
carved inside me, I wonder if she inherit those smile from me as she inherits
so many things from me. The fact that she inherits so many things from me
worries me.
When I left home this morning, I held
Nani's school photos for more than a minute and felt sad. I had seen some
strands of hair falling on her face when I turned the light on this morning.
She looks like a star a glowing star. The words are incapable to express my
love for her. I hate myself for not talking to her, for not playing with her.
It is not because I can't but because I won't. I want to be independent of her
father's existence which itself is doubtful.
I arrived in office in a rather good mood.
I am waiting for Saturday to come soon, very soon and the October to never come
as my brother will return. It won't happen but I can't help myself from
wishing.
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