My father used to call me "Prafulle" which in my language (Nepali) interprets to "someone who is always happy" It was just a decade back. I was fun loving always happy, always positive boy. I was always good at studies, always a topper in class. Though short in height I was sharp in wit, sharp in intelligence.
It was mid 2005 as the final year exams had commenced. We used to have long study leaves before the exams and also between the exams. A local goon (of my age) had opened up a music store on the other side of the road just in front of our house. He used to play loud music all the day. As I prepared for the exam all day with my brother, the music was always a disturbance, the kind of music I never learned to appreciate. So it was noise rather than music, and I just didn't like the guy, I didn't like his face, I didn't like him anyway. More than toward studies I was attentive to the noise from the music store and it would irritate me. I almost became obsessed with the noise, even when there wasn't any I was checking for it. He would open the store till late evening playing his stuff loud occasionally which concerned me further. Soon I would start checking for the sound as I went to bed. Initially it was only the noise from the store but soon any kind of sound started disturbing me. I had acquired the ability to hear even as the cockroaches scurried on the floor. I was loosing sleep. The sound which anyone could ignore started to get on my nerves. Then to make the matter worse a mouse got into my small room and I could hear it run as I would struggle to sleep in my bed. It only got worse. For 12 consecutive days I had almost no sleep, I had become a zombie. Later one weekend I managed to kill the mouse with help of my father and brother. That was the first and probably the last time I had killed anything big and with intention.
Two of my friends always visited me in the evening to discuss the exams. One of the friends lived in a really peaceful area and the other frequently spent his night there. Two days before the exam deprived of sleep I decided I am going to this friend's place to sleep hoping the silence there shall cure my insomnia. At the new place it was worse, I not only lay awake for the entire night I became restless, I went to toilet more than 20 times that night and didn't even close the eyes as my friends could be heard snoring. At 4:30 AM in the morning, I was on my way home but strangely very fresh and energetic. At home I managed to sleep for 1 hour, lethargy would visit me later in the day. Though unsure of the issue I knew I required medical assistance and who could be more handy than a friend who was a doctor. He suggested me to visit the Mental Health Department of a hospital and there I was with my mum. The doctors were undoubted as they diagnosed me with exam related anxiety. I was prescribed a medicine.
I was at home and took the medicine as I went to bed and boy what a great sleep it brought unfortunately it won't wear off in the morning not even in the late afternoon. I was doomed, there was no way I could appear in exam. The person who was the undoubted contender to secure a gold medal was now not appearing in exam. That day I didn't take the medicine out of fear, my mother gave me oil massage. I went to sleep around 10:00 PM and woke up only at 5:00 AM. It was a surprise, yet I was not in myself, the medicine that I had take two days back still made me feel dodgy. I scanned the contents of the syllabus and tried to remember what I had read. I asked god to help me secure a minimum marks to pass the exam. Surprise again, the exam went really good.
That very evening my mother took me to the clinic of our trusted Physician but to our dismay the doctor himself had some accident and was mentally unstable for a while, I had to see another doctor. With very little hope we waited for our turn. The doctor turned out to be a real good guy, his diagnosis was same i.e. exam related anxiety. He was so good that his words were healing me, he prescribed me some tranquilizer to be taken before going to bed. It was like a panacea, 30 days had passed and I was going good and had forgotten I had some issue. The issue however was too adamant and was back again and this time with real vengeance. A month or two later I was diagnosed with major depression. Happiness left me, I didn't want to leave my bed, I was always tired, lost interest in everything. I was sad and I was anxious. I would remain same for rest of my life. That was the end of year 2005 and this is the beginning of year 2016 and I have been doomed ever since.
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