We discussed so many things in these two days trying to identify possibilities and solutions. I told her yesterday though not deliberately that I feel someday I shall leave home never to return again. It was too late before I realized the mistake or should I say the sin that I had committed. Our marital life has not been successful as I have only been able to give her pain and nothing but pain. My wrong use of words made her night sore and she remained sad the entire day the next day. Then the next day as my pain exacerbated we sat together to identify what can be done. The immediate option (or the only option) was to get admitted to the hospital and see if the condition improves and hope for the best. The best would be the situation where I shall be able to keep my job, remain mentally and physically healthy. However after being constantly depressed, that august situation is very unlikely. Then we sat together to see what could be done if I lost job. One option was we would try to make ends meet with her salary, while I shall remain an useless expense and a poor impression to our only child. We would share our flat with someone to cut down the expense. The other option came from my shameless mouth, what if we went to Perth to her brother. He had huge house and spare room which he could avail to us on request. We would then again live on her earning while shameless me shall stay home doing nothing. She said that is quite a viable option.
But then another option came from her, she said we return home. We won't get a divorce but won't live together either. She would stay with her parents and I could visit them without any restriction. I didn't like that option. It is not the prospect of living on her income in this developed nation that allured me but this time it was the father inside me that still wanted a better future for his daughter. The other reason could be the fact that I have become so much dependent on her and our daughter that living without them with whatever comfort possible is same as not living at all. Our discussion has not ended but has only reached an intermission as it was time to collect our daughter from school and of-course the lady would do the task. The reason I have been sore with pancreatitis and haven't had substantial food in last few days.
What I want? I can be shameless when I speak but when it comes to living it can't be the same. I would like to live on my own and earn for my family. Unfortunately depression either keeps me too worried, suicidal, in panic almost depriving me of the possibility to earn my livelihood.
But then another option came from her, she said we return home. We won't get a divorce but won't live together either. She would stay with her parents and I could visit them without any restriction. I didn't like that option. It is not the prospect of living on her income in this developed nation that allured me but this time it was the father inside me that still wanted a better future for his daughter. The other reason could be the fact that I have become so much dependent on her and our daughter that living without them with whatever comfort possible is same as not living at all. Our discussion has not ended but has only reached an intermission as it was time to collect our daughter from school and of-course the lady would do the task. The reason I have been sore with pancreatitis and haven't had substantial food in last few days.
What I want? I can be shameless when I speak but when it comes to living it can't be the same. I would like to live on my own and earn for my family. Unfortunately depression either keeps me too worried, suicidal, in panic almost depriving me of the possibility to earn my livelihood.
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